Conan the Barbarian
Directed by John Milius
Written by John Milius and Oliver Stone
Released in 1982
When Oliver Stone and John Milius were writing the script for this movie, they must have been dunking Oreos in milk whilst wrapped in sleeping bags at their best friends sleepover asking:
“Ok and then what happens?”
“Uh, he fights a giant snake… and he chops its head off!”
“Ok and then what happens?”
“He fucks a demon!”
“Wow! Ok and then what happens?”
“He gets drunk and punches a real camel in the face!”
“Yeah!”
“And then he becomes the first non-US born governor of California!”
“Double Yes!”
That is what watching this movie felt like. It is unapologetically gratuitous.
Even in the movie’s poster, its tagline reads: “Theif Warrior Barbarian King.” Get that? Conan will steal from you. Those Braveheart dudes might have “fought like Warrior poets,” but Conan fights like a Warrior Barbarian King.
The synopsis of the movie isn’t terribly important. I think there was an amulet or something, maybe an ancient lore or two. No wait… an ancient beast? Doesn’t matter. This movie is awesome. Just like sleep overs are.
All you need to know is that Thulsa Doom (James Earl Jones) is this evil snake worshiping cultist who burnt Conan’s (Arnold Schwarzenegger) village to the ground. Conan enters slavery, fights his way out, teams up with an archer played by then pro-surfer Gerry Lopez, meets a chick (dancer Sandahl Bergman), and the trio exact revenge on Thulsa Doom.
Find Conan the Barbarian on Netflix
Here’s the trailer:
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